Whitney Baker, LMFTA
I have been on both sides of this. I have been the one keeping the running list of what still needs doing and who has not noticed. I have also been the one getting corrected, loading the dishwasher wrong, forgetting the thing that was said on Tuesday, doing the task in a way that technically worked but not the way it was supposed to be done.
That turns out to be useful. When a man tells me he has stopped trying because nothing he does lands right, I know exactly what he means, and I am not going to pretend his side is unreasonable. When his partner tells me she is exhausted from managing everything, I know she is right too. Both of those are true at the same time, which is the whole problem and the whole job.
The rest of it is patterns. Thirteen years of listening to people describe six-year fights and watching the same three moves show up in the same order. It never stops being interesting, and it is the part I am actually good at.
Who I Work With
"Why does he shut down when we argue?" He is not stonewalling to punish you. Going quiet is the only move he has that reliably ends the fight, and it costs him the closeness he wanted from it.
"My partner won't go to couples therapy." Then come alone. One person changing their moves changes the whole pattern, and your partner does not have to be in the room for that to work.
"Can I do couples therapy alone?" Yes. I see individuals doing relationship work all the time, and it is some of the most effective work I do.
"We keep having the same fight." Six years, three moves, same order every time. From inside the loop it looks like a fight about the dishes. From a chair across the room it is easy to see, and once you can see it you can stop running it.
"I don't know if I should stay." You have already asked this alone at two in the morning. I will not make the decision for you and I will not help you avoid it. Some people leave with a plan to rebuild. Some leave with a plan to leave.
"I'm divorced and dating again, and it's going the same way." Same script, new person. That is workable, and it is most of what I do.
"He can't turn it off when he gets home." I am a volunteer firefighter and EMT. I am not guessing about the job or what it costs the people at home.
Training and Approach
Gottman-trained and attachment-based, with additional training in therapy for first responders and their families. Thirteen years in mental health and social services. Licensed in Washington and Idaho.
Most of the couples I see are not out of love. They are out of language, and that part is teachable.
Where I Work
All sessions are online, which means I can see anyone located in Washington or Idaho. Clients join from Spokane, Coeur d'Alene, Tri-Cities, Pullman, Walla Walla, Wenatchee, Boise, Moscow, Post Falls, Sandpoint, and small towns that do not have a relationship therapist within an hour's drive.
Evening and early morning appointments available.